Best Case/Worst Case

In the spirit of the new year, and having finished my "official" team-by-team outlook, I decided to lighten things up with a look at some possible headlines in the coming year. So let's go team-by-team and look at the "best case" and "worst case" scenario for 2007.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Atlanta Braves

Best Case:

BRAVES WIN! ATLANTA FANS CAN NO LONGER COMPLAIN ABOUT WINNING 100 GAMES AND LOSING IN OCTOBER

Worst Case:

BRAVES FINISH 4TH! ATLANTA FANS WONDER WHY THEY USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WINNING 100 GAMES AND LOSING IN OCTOBER

Florida Marlins:

Best Case:

JEFFREY LORIA VISITED BY 3 SPIRITS; SIGNS CONTRACT EXTENSION WITH MIGUEL CABRERA AND BUYS TURKEY FOR CRATCHIT FAMILY

Worst Case:

JEFFREY LORIA THREATENS TO SELL OFF MORE PLAYERS UNLESS CITY GIVES HIM NEW STADIUM

and in other news . . .

JEFFREY LORIA THREATENS TO FORECLOSE ON THE ORPHANAGE UNLESS CITY GIVES HIM NEW STADIUM

New York Mets:

Best Case:

PEDRO'S RETURN SPARKS DRIVE TO WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

Worst Case:

PEDRO ADMITS THAT OLD AGE "IS MY DADDY"

Philadelphia Phillies:

Best Case:

PAT BURRELL HITS 30 HOME RUNS; FANS BOO

Worst Case:

PAT BURRELL DONATES THE MONEY FOR LITTLE JIMMY'S LEG OPERATION; FANS BOO

Washington Nationals:

Best Case:

GM JIM BOWDEN GRANTED "MOST FAVORED FRANCHISE" TRADING STATUS WITH CINCINNATI

Worst Case:

SAMMY SOSA RETURNS, COMPLETES CRAPPY ROSTER

Chicago Cubs:

Best Case:

CUBS WIN WILD CARD THANKS TO MVP LEE AND CY YOUNG WINNER ZAMBRANO; GM HENDRY GIVEN CREDIT FOR SPENDING $300 MILLION ON A BUNCH OF OTHER GUYS

Worst Case:

CUBS LOSE; ANNOUNCERS FIRED

Cincinnati Reds:

Best Case:

GM WAYNE KRIVSKY INVENTS TIME MACHINE, REGAINS AUSTIN KEARNS AND FELIPE LOPEZ

Worst Case:

GM WAYNE KRIVSKY TRADES ADAM DUNN TO WASHINGTON FOR NOOK LOGAN, A TABLE LAMP, AND A PIECE OF TAPE

Houston Astros:

Best Case:

CLEMENS RETURNS TO LEAD ASTROS TO WILD CARD; CARLOS LEE MASTERS USE OF HIS GLOVE

Worst Case:

CLEMENS' RETURN POINTLESS; CARLOS LEE EATEN BY LEFT-FIELD WALL

Milwaukee Brewers:

Best Case:

BREWERS WIN WILD CARD! BUD SELIG FORCED TO STOP WHINING ABOUT SMALL-MARKET FRANCHISES

Worst Case:

BREWERS LOSE; SELIG RE-NAMES STADIUM "I TOLD YOU SO"

Pittsburgh Pirates:

Best Case:

"GM FOR A DAY" PROMOTION A SUCCESS, OWNERS MAKE IT PERMANENT

Worst Case:

STEELERS FAN UNCOVERS EVIDENCE OF OTHER PROFESSIONAL SPORTS IN CITY; EXPERTS SKEPTICAL

St. Louis Cardinals:

Best Case:

CARDS REPEAT! PUJOLS: 'TWICE IS NICE!'

Worst Case:

CARDS LOSE! PUJOLS: 'WE'RE ALL THE SUCK WITH NONE OF THE LUCK'

Arizona Diamondbacks:

Best Case:

ROOKIE SENSATIONS STEER 'BACKS TO DIVISION TITLE

Worst Case:

ARIZONA FARM SYSTEM PLAGUED BY LOCUSTS

Colorado Rockies:

Best Case:

COLORADO PLAYERS SWEAR OFF DEER-HUNTING, WIN WILD CARD

Worst Case:

ROOKIES TULOWITZKI, CLOSSER INJURED IN SQUID-MEAT TRAGEDY

Los Angeles Dodgers:

Best Case:

GM COLLETTI REDISCOVERS OWN FARM SYSTEM; REPORTS OF A HAUNTING BY THE GHOST OF BRANCH RICKEY ARE UNFOUNDED

Worst Case:

NOMAR, GONZO, PIERRE STUMBLE; BORED ROOKIES PLAY SUDOKU ON THE BENCH

San Diego Padres:

Best Case:

DAVID WELLS COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT

Worst Case:

DAVID WELLS COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT

San Francisco Giants:

Best Case:

GIANTS GET YOUNGER; MTV ALWAYS ON IN THE CLUBHOUSE

Worst Case:

GIANTS GET OLDER; MURDER, SHE WROTE ALWAYS ON IN THE CLUBHOUSE

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Baltimore Orioles:

Best Case:

OWNER ANGELOS SELLS TEAM; BUYER UNKNOWN, IRRELEVANT

Worst Case:

FANS ORGANIZE PROTEST AS ORIOLES LOSE; ANGELOS RAISES TICKET PRICES OUT OF SPITE

Boston Red Sox:

Best Case:

ACE PITCHING PROPELS SOX OVER YANKS; MATSUZAKA RUNS FOR MAYOR

Worst Case:

PITCHING STUMBLES AS SOX FALL TO YANKS; MATSUZAKA RUNS FOR HIS LIFE

New York Yankees:

Best Case:

YANKS BEAT MARLINS IN SERIES; STEINBRENNER REQUESTS 'DAVID & GOLIATH' STORY STRICKEN FROM THE BIBLE

Worst Case:

METS BEAT YANKS IN SERIES; STEINBRENNER REQUESTS 'THOU SHALT NOT KILL' STRICKEN FROM THE BIBLE

Tampa Bay Devil Rays:

Best Case:

DEVIL RAYS WIN FRANCHISE-RECORD 80TH GAME AS THOUSANDS CHEER

Worst Case:

DEVIL RAYS WIN FRANCHISE-RECORD 80TH GAME AS DOZENS CHEER

Toronto Blue Jays:

Best Case:

JAYS WIN DIVISION; RICCARDI CALLED 'GENIUS' BY FANS

Worst Case:

JAYS FINISH 3RD; RICCIARD CALLED 'SMARMY LITTLE *$%#!' BY FANS

Chicago White Sox:

Best Case:

SOX WIN; FANS OVERTURN CARS AFTER GAME

Worst Case:

SOX LOSE; MANAGER GUILLEN OVERTURNS CARS AFTER GAME

Cleveland Indians:

Best Case:

INDIANS CONQUER UNCANNY BAD LUCK AND WIN THE DIVISION

Worst Case:

INDIAN SIZEMORE PLAGUED BY BLACK CAT; STEPS ON CRACK, MOTHER HOSPITALIZED

Detroit Tigers:

Best Case:

PITCHER ROGERS WINS ERA TITLE; CLAIMS BROWN SPOT ON HAND IS 'JUST A BIRTHMARK'

Worst Case:

PITCHER ROGERS SIGNS ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH IVORY SOAP, LOSES TEN STRAIGHT

Kansas City Royals:

Best Case:

ROYALS FINISH ABOVE .500; HALL-OF-FAMER BRETT 'PROUD TO BE A ROYAL AGAIN'

Worst Case:

ROYALS FINISH LAST; FORMER ROYAL BRETT CLAIMS TO HAVE BEEN A MARINER

Minnesota Twins:

Best Case:

TWINS REPEAT AS DIVISION CHAMPS DESPITE LOW PAYROLL

Worst Case:

GM TERRY RYAN FORCED TO TRADE FOR EXPENSIVE ALL-STAR, GETS FIRED

Los Angeles Angels:

Best Case:

ANGELS LOSE IN APPEAL; TEAM NAME CAN BE NO LONGER THAN 4 WORDS

Worst Case:

LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA, USA ON THE CONTINENT OF NORTH AMERICA IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE OF THE PLANET EARTH IN THE MILKY WAY GALAXY GO BANKRUPT PAYING FOR NEW BUSINESS CARDS

Oakland Athletics:

Best Case:

WORLD SERIES VICTORY SHOWS BILLY BEANE'S EFFECTIVE NEW METHOD

Worst Case:

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER SHOWS BILLY BEANE'S EFFECTIVE NEW METHOD

Seattle Mariners:

Best Case:

GM BAVASI TRADES FOR LAST YEAR'S MOST VALUABLE PLAYER

Worst Case:

GM BAVASI TRADES FOR LAST YEAR'S LEAST VALUABLE PLAYER

Texas Rangers:

Best Case:

RANGERS WIN DIVISION, EVOKE MEMORIES OF 1996 SQUAD

Worst Case:

RANGERS FINISH LAST, EVOKE MEMORIES OF 1985 SQUAD

Happy New Year.